Do you ever, when you’ve got something big looming on the horizon, try to distract yourself by finding other things on which to concentrate? It’s a favourite tactic of mine, and one at which I’ve had a little help lately.
See, this Friday (as in the 27th of June, as in three days from now) I will be taking the final, comprehensive exam for my masters degree. On a purely intellectual level, it really isn’t that big a deal. Three essays in four hours? No problem. I’ve written simillar tests before (the advantage of having been an English major) and have been studying not just hard, but smart: organized, methodical. Slow and steady wins the race, and I’ve been shoring up my personal angle of repose ever since the beginning of May.
But then last week arrived and things just went wonky. Fathers’ Day and my birthday — both of which were lovely — a very close friend in need of a shoulder, and a job interview all conspired to add up to some added stress and a messed-up sleep schedule.
I had thought I’d recover fairly quickly, but I haven’t been able to get back onto a good sleep schedule and yesterday was fuzzy-brained all day long. Maybe all the nerves and energy I’d been saving for comps went into the job interview. Maybe this is my brain’s attempt at keeping me from cramming these last few days. Maybe it’ll all be fine by Friday morning.
No matter how many people tell me that I’ll do fine — and I do appreciate each and every one of them, because it’s awfully nice to hear — there’s a part of me that is prepared to fail. That probably sounds deafeatist, but the truth is that I’ve failed before. Life doesn’t turn out the way we plan: graduate school’s a disaster because we’re too young and naive to know what we’re getting into; a place we love isn’t destined to be the place in which we live; jobs that seem perfect simply aren’t.
So I have a plan ready in the event I need to take comps again next semester. I know what class I’d take and I’ve got a rough study outline drawn up. Just in case. Because I’d rather have that plan ready and not needed, than needed and not in place.
Anyway, this is turning into a rather gloomy post, which wasn’t my intent. It’s also rather misleading because I know I know this stuff. Everything I need to do well on comps is already tucked away in my head, so what actually needs to happen is to get rid of the feeling that I might be missing something by not reading just one more article (wafer-thin, of course). Any reading I do at this point is more to keep my mind sharp than to learn something new.
(cross-posted at my other blog)