The scarriest thing about defending is the not knowing. Comps get talked about all the time, from the moment you start the program. The defense, though, is only mentioned in passing. Where comps are dissected, the defense barely has a scratch on it.

So, in order to demystify things for future SLIS students, following is the play-by-play (minus everyday things like eating, sleeping, talking to friends and family, checking email and blog feeds, going to work, doing a class assignment, etc.):

Day 1: Received an email from Maggie*, notifying me that one essay had not been assessed as passing. She included a copy of the question and attached my response, and later called me to set up the appointment for the defense.

We talked for a few minutes about what I could expect, but here’s the thing: I asked. There are things Maggie can’t tell you (such as who exactly will be on your committee), but she’ll tell you what she can.

I spent most of the day alternating between shock-induced numbness and feeling like I’d been kicked in the gut.

Day 2: Printed out essay and question. Reread essay and realized that it was seriously lacking. It was like reading a rough draft: no real thesis statement; a couple of ideas needed to be expanded; one point was implied but never explicitly stated.

Despite knowing what was wrong with the essay — and I should say here that if you can’t evaluate your own writing this way, either take it to your advisor or the writing center for help — I was worried that maybe they hadn’t liked the idea as a whole, so I spent some time doing research. I ran several searches in the usual databases (Library Literature, LISTA, etc.) but also did some searching in del.icio.us. Lots of libfolk use del.icio.us, and I seem to have better luck finding relevant blog posts there than in any of the blog-specific search engines.

Oh, and I should also mention that if you’re defending, you do not get comments on your essay from the grading committee.

Made plans to meet with my study partner, and saw Doc Martens’ post on comps 2.0.

Day 3: Read. Articles and blog posts, mostly, but I also went back through the textbooks since my question was on the future of libraries, and many of them have a chapter on just that subject.

Reread Doc Martens’ post.

Day 4: Met with my study partner, then went to the library to get a book mentioned in one of the articles. Browsed the stacks and found several more with pertinent chapters or sections. Also chatted with another student who was defending (it helps to remember that you’re not the only one going through this!).

Reread Doc Martens’ post.

Day 5:Read the books and a few more articles, then worked on figuring out exactly what I wanted to say. For me, this came down to clarifying and expanding upon what I’d already written. Wrote key words and phrases on a notecard**, which I then studied off and on for the rest of the day.

Made a mess of my bedroom, trying to decide what to wear.

Reread Doc Martens’ post.

Day of defense: Reviewed notecard several times throughout the morning, but mostly just piddled around.

Arrived at OU 45 minutes prior to appointment, dressed professionally. Chatted with Maggie. Tried not to pace. Finally camped out on the big maroon couch/chair/bench thingy, as instructed.

Joy of joys! SLISter Jenny happened by and kept me company for the last ten minutes leading up to the defense. It was entirely serendipitous and perfect as we had a nice chat about her new GA job, which kept my mind off the impending event.

Dr. Brown came out to fetch me, which is when I learned that the defense is a double-blind. Not only did I not know who was on my committee, but they had only my essay, and not my name. Also, I’d assumed that it was one committee that handled all the defenses, but they were each different.

I gave my spiel (twice loosing my mental place, but Dr. Brown let me glance at her copy of my essay to get back on track) and they asked five questions, some of which were multi-parters. It wasn’t so much like being grilled as it was like an interesting, though slightly one-sided, conversation.

And that was it. Ten minutes later Maggie let me know I’d passed.

It’s one of those situations where it’s impossible not to be anxious and nervous, and it’s a little scary just because there’s relatively little time to prepare. Except. You already are prepared. Just don’t forget it.

*Maggie, for those not lucky enough to know her, is the amazingly patient and kind woman who is the power behind the throne. She’s the one who tells you when you’ve been accepted to SLIS, gets you into that closed class you just have to have, and generally makes sure that everything runs as it should.

**I don’t plan out my talks word-for-word, for two reasons: 1) it’s too much to memorize, especially on short notice or in stressful situations, and 2) what I do remember always comes out stilted and false. Instead, by planning the concepts to cover and their order, I end up with an outline in my head that enables me to both keep on track and not sound like a reciting robot.

Time: 35 minutes

Faculty: Doc Martens, Dr. Brown, and Dr. Burke

Basically, I went back through my original essay (on the future of libraries), expanding on some points and making connections more explicit. After that, we ended up talking more about repositories and the changes in journal publishing; the difficulty in separating internal and external factors when talking about libraries; my own metacognitive processing of the situation; whether my model of people/budgets/money was extractable to 5, 10, and 20 years down the line; and what I’m going to get my brother for his birthday.

Most importantly: I passed! Woohoo!

First off, many, many thanks to everyone who sent encouraging words via comments, email, Facebook, etc. I very much appreciate the show of support!

So, as I’ve probably mentioned before, one of the downsides to being fairly detail-oriented is that, when under pressure, I get a little obsessive. Case in point: for the last three days I have been trying to find an article that I originally read prior to comps.

Now, I’ve been doing more productive things, too — like actually doing some reading for the defense, planning what I’m going to talk about, etc. — but this “missing” article is driving me batty. I’m pretty sure I remember where it was, and how I got to it, but it simply isn’t there. And more general searches don’t pull it up either. So I’ve been forced to conclude that I probably conflated two or more articles on the same topic. Or dreamed it. Or something.

Either way, with less than five hours to go, I suppose it’s time to gracefully concede that it will not be found before I walk into the SLIS conference room. Phooey.

On the bright side, I’m feeling well-prepared and relatively calm. For now.

Well, hell. I’ll be doing an oral defense this coming Tuesday. Immediately after the exam, I knew the first question I answered was my weakest one, and sure enough that’s the one I’ll be defending (it asks about factors shaping the future of the library).

The defense can last anywhere from 20-60 minutes and I’ll be talking with three faculty members. No notes are allowed; just a copy of the original question. First I’ll expand on my written answer, then the faculty will have the opportunity to ask questions.

Luckily it’s in the afternoon, so I won’t be dealing with the long-time-to-wake-up factor that was part of the reason for essay being on the flimsy side. The nerves, however, will most definitely still be a factor.

Not the most common form of stress relief, perhaps, but my 15-month-old nephew thought it was pretty darn funny. Aren’t y’all glad my mom had a camera in her hand?

I’d been doing a fairly good job of simply not thinking about the pending comps results notification. Lots of family stuff over the 4th, and school and work things to distract me during the week. And there’s always the internet. Talk about a disctraction! Here’s a sample:

• I Met the Walrus (animated interview with John Lennon)
• Thaet Gettysburg Gemathel (a translation of the Gettysburg address into Old English)
• Where the Hell is Matt? (the guy who goes around the world dancing)

But as I insist on keeping up with my blog reading, there’s always something there to remind me that I should be keeping on top of things — just in case a fall re-do is in order. The Academic Libraries: 2006 report from the National Center for Education Statistics is one such reminder. It’s solely quantitative, but still interesting.

Suddenly this morning I’m nervous about comps. As in: shaky hands, elevated heart rate, and a gut-wrenching nausea I haven’t felt since walking into a classroom to teach for the first time. It wasn’t even this bad in the minutes immediately prior to being handed the questions!

Waiting in lines is ok, because I can see whatever progress is or is not being made. Waiting for my mom is ok, because she’s the sort who’ll stop to smell the flowers even with a wildfire right behind her. Waiting for a class paper to be graded is even ok, because I know who is grading it and at least have a general idea of the rubric being used for evaluation, which means I have tailored my answers to the grader/rubric.

Truth is, I’m a wee bit of a control freak (like that’s news to most of you). In a class situation, I know I’ve done everything possible to control how my written assignments will be received — or, if not, I’ve not done it on purpose. This isn’t to say that I don’t screw up, because Dr. Van Fleet can certainly attest to that (her grade on my final paper last semester was more than generous) but generally speaking, when it comes to the written word, I’m pretty darn careful.

Careful attention to craft isn’t easy in a timed situation. I keep thinking of things I could have done differently: better logic, more applicable examples, a nicer turn of phrase. Normally I have most of that worked out in my head before I even start writing, but….

Intellectually, I know it’s out of my hands. Emotionally, though, I’m really kinda pissed because I also know that I’m capable of so much better.

Test start time: 8:30 a.m.

Computers used: 2 (one went wonky about 30 minutes in, but no content was lost)

Official breaks taken: 1 (five-minute duration)

Doodles drawn at bottom of question sheet: 3

Topics covered: First Amendment; future of libraries; computer literacy

Pages written: 6 1/2

Time completed: 12:40 (ish)

Sighs of relief: 1 (quite large)

Updated to add: Days until results are returned: 14

The good news is that I didn’t wake up at 4:30 as I’d been afraid I would.

The bad news is that the reason for not being up early is that it took forever to get to sleep and it doesn’t feel as if I ever slept very deeply. No problem with bed, pillows, or noise — just couldn’t get the brain to ever really shut down. Even a short swim didn’t help. And it’s not as if I slept late, unless you’re one of those obscene people who think 5:15 a.m. is “late”.

So at the moment I’m warming up both fingers and brain while the green tea steeps. Brewing tea with only a microwave works, but it’s a tricky business. It you nuke the mug too long, the handle gets hot. And some tea bags will explode when nuked, so the best thing to do it heat the water a little, let the tea steep for a bit longer than usual, then remove the tea bag and nuke again to get it nice and warm.

In a 75-degree hotel room, that last bit is important. (And it’s that temp with the AC turned off all night. Some folks are apparently not worried about energy prices.)

Let’s see…

core values = access, privacy, diversity, democracy, lifelong learning, intellectual freedom, preservation, the public good, professionalism, service, and social responsibility

Ranganathan’s laws: book are for use; every reader her book; every book it’s reader; save the time of the reader; the library is a growing organism (I seem to have a hard time remembering the first one, possibly because it’s such an ingrained assumption)

Georgia State is being sued by three publishers over their online dissemination of coursepack materials. GSU is, of course, crying fair use.

Harvard Law faculty recently went open access, following the lead of that school’s Arts & Sciences faculty.

Amazon’s tactics have ticked off authors and the UK’s biggest publisher.

Well, better get a move on. See you on the other side….