Suddenly this morning I’m nervous about comps. As in: shaky hands, elevated heart rate, and a gut-wrenching nausea I haven’t felt since walking into a classroom to teach for the first time. It wasn’t even this bad in the minutes immediately prior to being handed the questions!
Waiting in lines is ok, because I can see whatever progress is or is not being made. Waiting for my mom is ok, because she’s the sort who’ll stop to smell the flowers even with a wildfire right behind her. Waiting for a class paper to be graded is even ok, because I know who is grading it and at least have a general idea of the rubric being used for evaluation, which means I have tailored my answers to the grader/rubric.
Truth is, I’m a wee bit of a control freak (like that’s news to most of you). In a class situation, I know I’ve done everything possible to control how my written assignments will be received — or, if not, I’ve not done it on purpose. This isn’t to say that I don’t screw up, because Dr. Van Fleet can certainly attest to that (her grade on my final paper last semester was more than generous) but generally speaking, when it comes to the written word, I’m pretty darn careful.
Careful attention to craft isn’t easy in a timed situation. I keep thinking of things I could have done differently: better logic, more applicable examples, a nicer turn of phrase. Normally I have most of that worked out in my head before I even start writing, but….
Intellectually, I know it’s out of my hands. Emotionally, though, I’m really kinda pissed because I also know that I’m capable of so much better.
June 30, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Do you have an oral defense part, or only if the written part is kind of shady? If you do, then quit worrying and plan out what you would have done better. Make some notes and an outline and “be prepared” in case.
And remember, we can always have done better. Quit second-guessing yourself. You know you got linked to as a good example of preparation: http://www.theorywatch.com/?p=185 She wouldn’t have done that if she thought you were a loser, would she?
June 30, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Yeah, yeah, I know: quitcher whinin’.
An oral defense happens if only one of the essays is found lacking. If it’s two or more, you retake the whole thing.
Doc Martens put up with me turning in a final in the form of a sci fi story. The woman’s a saint. Of course she doesn’t think I’m a loser!
July 1, 2008 at 9:35 am
Creativity should be encouraged! I’ve pushed the “academic” envelope on occasion. And we all should be; especially as students.
And I don’t mean to imply that you’re whining at all. Honestly, I’d be freaking, too, if it were me.
But I’m much better of thinking of these things when I’m giving advice to others versus to myself.
July 2, 2008 at 7:57 am
Kirsten, if the line about your mom is any indication (i.e., “the sort who’ll stop to smell the flowers even with a wildfire right behind her” – no doubt I would love this person) you will not only pass comps, those who have volunteered to read these ramblings will enjoy yours especially.
I’ve had some of the same doubts you mention over the past few days, e.g., the potential for better examples, smoother transitions, enhanced clarity. But then I remember the positive atmosphere of the lab and remind myself to continue to reflect it – all will turn out as it should (too Zen?).
Besides, no matter what happens, we’ll always be allowed to visit the library, even if we’re not allowed to run it
July 2, 2008 at 8:37 am
Mark: The whining got deleted but trust me — I was whining.
Linda: Definitely not too Zen! My mom likes to say “it is what it is” (and yes, I think you’d like her), which is certainly true in this case. I’m just better at practicing non-attachment in some cases than in others.
July 2, 2008 at 6:21 pm
[...] July 2, 2008 by Linda Summers Yes, it’s a Hitchcock Barbie - and the Birds are highly reflective of the dark thoughts that occasionally cross the minds of those of us who wait. [...]