It dawned on me today that I’ve been doing a lot of self-censoring lately where this blog is concerned. That’s not normal, but it didn’t take me long to figure out why: the class requirement which this blog is currently fulfilling. It didn’t faze me in the least when I found out this summer that my prof was reading this blog, but being graded on it has definitely put a damper on things.
What’s really bothering me, though, is not that I’m self-censoring — hell, we all do that to some extent on a regular basis — but what I’m leaving out. And mainly that’s my depression.
When I started this blog I made the conscious choice not to leave out my experiences with depression. Partially that’s because it’s part of my life, and as such it colors how I see and respond to things. And partially it’s because depression, despite all the drug adds, isn’t really understood. Even by those of us who have it. Writing about it helps me process, and hopefully helps others as well.
But lately I’ve been too worried about being seen as a whiner or a slacker to talk about the black dog here, and that means that I haven’t been willing to talk about the things it affects most: school and work. Since those two topics pretty much are this blog, that doesn’t leave me with much material. And since I no longer keep a paper journal, that doesn’t leave me with much processing time.
To being that process:
I am not doing well. Normally the black dog just yaps a lot, occasionally snapping at my heels as if it were a border collie. But despite a few respites over the last months, the thing has a pretty good grip on my ankle and shows no sign of letting go. I’m still keeping up with both work and school tasks, but the energy, thought, and care that normally go into them are not up to my usual standards.
If I had the energy, this would make me angry. Half-assed and sloppy just isn’t my style. Thank goodness for deadlines and my own deep need to fulfill them. They’re my saving grace at times like these.
We’re going into a four-day weekend at work, and I’m not sure right now if that’s a good or a bad thing. It could be very bad if I let the time slip away in inactivity. But it could also be a jump-start if I’m able to use the time well. And it helps to think I’m accountable to someone, even if most of y’all don’t know me from Eve. So.
Be it resolved that, within the next four days, I will:
- thoroughly clean my apartment;
- read this week’s articles for class and catch up on the discussion boards;
- write the wiki article for class;
- do two 45-minute yoga practices;
- go for one 60-minute walk;
- read, comment on, and send back the draft of a friend’s novel;
- call two friends; and
- work on class project for three hours.
Anybody care to lay odds on whether I’ll get all that done?
October 17, 2007 at 7:23 pm
Kirsten, my blog is not being graded but I well know the rite of self-censorship regarding depression.
I, too, try not to censor it much as our society needs a much better understanding of it. One which they most certainly will not get from drug ads. Since I don’t watch TV perhaps I am unqualified, but I honestly fail to see how they can do anything other than make the situation worse. “Oh, you can just take a pill for that.” Well, no!, you cannot “just take a pill,” as you well know.
As for your list, 4, 5 and 7 look to be pretty important. After that, fit in whatever you can.
I think the thing to focus on is the long-term message you send regarding depression. One or two of us addressing it can only help a little, although that is important. But it will be one or two of us (and more) over the long haul, not in the short term. Living with your own self is important, of course, but I wouldn’t worry too much about the internal censor for one semester.
Graded or not, I appreciate your blog and your voice. Depression is an ugly beast and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it helps to know that there are others who face the same “black dog.”
Best!
October 18, 2007 at 7:12 am
[...] Kirsten wrote a fantastic post today on “Needing to talk about what you don’t want to talk about”Here’s ONLY a quick extractWhen I started this blog I made the conscious choice not to leave out my experiences with depression. Partially that’s because it’s part of my life, and as such it colors how I see and respond to things. And partially it’s because … [...]
October 18, 2007 at 9:17 am
As someone who’s struggled with blogging identity — what to reveal? To who? When? With names? Without? — I sympathize with your struggle to censor or not. My vote would be to do what feels right to you, for you. Your voice is your own, and you need to use it however you see fit.
And, as for your list, I agree with Mark. Yoga, walk, friends. And then whatever else you can make happen. Give yourself the gift of a recharge, and then use it as needed.
Be well, and have a good weekend!
October 18, 2007 at 11:22 am
Kirsten,
I believe you can do all those things. Being a procrastinator, I struggle daily with the inability to make myself do things. I have also suffered from slight depression in the past (the 3 months I lived in Norman) and I completely understand how hard it is. No one else understands what it’s like unless they’ve gone through it themselves, and as you said, sometimes not even then. It’s different for everybody. But I can sympathize. One of the things that helped me a little was realizing that other people have the same plight. So know that you’re not alone, and you can get through it! Good luck this weekend!
October 19, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Thank you all for your kind words and support!
The last two days have gone quite well. I’ve completed the first two items on the list, and will be doing one of the yoga sessions later this evening. I also worked in some time with local friends, which wasn’t on the list at all. Aren’t I the overachiever?
October 22, 2007 at 9:25 am
Hi Kirsten,
Your are not alone – I have a black dog also. I know how hard it is to get it’s grip off your ankle. Sometimes it helps to repeat the mantra, “Time Passes.”
I hope you were successful with some of the things on your to do list for the long weekend. I agree that the yoga, walk, and calling friends is probably the most important. But, as one OCD librarian to antother, it may be the instant gratification of home cleaning (=home loving) that can make you feel really good.
October 29, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Kirsten,
Me too. I have contended with depression and also anxiety for many years. I don’t talk about it at work or at school. So, thank you for your honesty in talking about it here.
By the way, I have an actual border collie, so I totally get the dog analogy.
Hope all is well with you and that you are taking good care of yourself.
November 4, 2007 at 8:39 am
[...] this whole post was best left “unsung.” Maybe so. But recently Kirsten reminded me that I, too, had been doing more self-censoring than I intended. Depression is rampant in our society and yet we do not talk about it. In the meantime, we get drug [...]